4/2/10 - The Postpartum Chronicles: Bad Night"

Bad Night

So last night, guess who was wide awake from 10pm - 1am? After I got her to sleep, she got VERY uncomfortable and cried a lot. Even holding her, she’d only doze off for half a minute and then wake up looking terrified, jolt her arms and legs out, and scream again. Since yesterday, her feedings have started taking much longer. She’ll eat and then stiff lip us and go to sleep in your arms. She’ll even close her little gums so you can’t get the nipple past them. So then she sleeps and wakes up and is hungry again. Ultimately she’s taking in roughly the same amount (anywhere between 1oz and 3.25oz; with the average being 2.19585 in the last 36 hours. Yes. I did the math. Math is very concrete. Babies are not. So, surprisingly, math is comforting.) The tricky part is that it can take anywhere between 25 minutes to an hour and a half to get that much down. Then she’s hungry again about 2 hours from the starting time.

Now, we’re exclusively formula - I made the executive decision yesterday evening that it’s better for her if I’m not feeling bad about myself and my inconsistent milk production levels. (And I bought myself a sympathy oil of olay skin care regimen and a pair of non-maternity jeans (which make me feel good even IF they are a size 9...)) She gets the gentlelease which has 80% less lactose in it, but it does have iron. I was taking prenatal vitamins while breast feeding, so I assume she got some iron that way too and I’m not really sure if it’s the iron that makes her not poop. When she does poop, it’s not hard (consistency) but we have had a couple green poops (Google says this means: it could be iron, a lactose intolerance or just normal. That’s the must frustrating part. There are no real answers for ANYTHING!)

Anywho, in the last day she has pooped once every 12 hours. She only got the last poop out because mom did the Vaseline/q-tip stimulation. Otherwise, she’s just doing all the tell tale signs of trying to poop but not pooping. Grunting, crying, squishing her legs up to her chest. I was able to continue the shift of holding her, putting her down, holding her, feeding her, putting her down, etc until about 4am. At that point, I was exhausted and I got relief. Then relief got relief at 7am. And then I got up at 8. Anywho, will you tell me again what you did for gas and pooping? And are these things you did for a newborn?

4/1/10 "The Postpartum Chronicles: Days 13-14"

Days 13-14
On day 13, Morrison slept from 12:30 - 4:30am. It was like a dream! I didn’t have to wake anybody up to take a shift and I felt like a “real” mom. Even after 14 days now, it still feels pretty surreal. It’s like she’s been here for a long time, but like she hasn’t been here that long. Fast and slow at the same time. However, that could be the reduced sleep talking. lol She’s doing really well. She fusses a lot because of gas and pooping. She DID poop 4x yesterday which is the most she’d ever pooped in a day (and the minimum amount she should be going. I read that some babies poop after every feeding. Morrison’s not that lucky. She works really hard for hers and gets uncomfortable quite often). We try to sleep her on her sides during the day (when people are watching - babies should sleep on their back until they’re out of the SIDS window) to keep her head from getting flat. She’s losing some hair, but she’s still got the bulk of it (which made the doctor happy - he loves her hair). And when we question whether or not she’s still breathing (like when she’s sleeping really peacefully) we just grab her hand and pull it. She pulls it back and that’s how we know she’s okay. lol. We check breathing a lot around here. (I told you I’m a SIDS freak, right? - blankets are only okay on the feet at night because she can’t get her feet to her head yet. She can have blankets during the day when people are around. She’s got the positioner to keep her on her back at night, and no one is allowed to fall asleep while holding her. Any picture you see where someone’s eyes might look closed while she’s on their chest is just their eye angle to the tv. I’m the only one who’s fallen asleep while holding her and i woke up terrified once I realized what I’d done. I was desperate on night #2 to get her to sleep, but that’s no excuse. Luckily, we lived through that one. Sounds dramatic, i know. It is. I am. lol)

As for me, I’ve still got that extra hole from the stitches. I googled it and it can take 2-3 weeks for a second degree tear to heal. Apparently, 1st degree is just skin and second degree is muscle too. Yowza. So, i’m going to wait until week 3 and give the thing some more time to heal before I call the OB/GYN to have another look-see. My hands are still dry as all get out. Trying to put on my smoking jacket (yes, we have jackets for smoking that are removed upon return inside - we’re very aware of 3rd-hand smoke) is like trying to maneuver sandpaper through a felt tunnel. It’ll be neat when that’s gone, although it’s much more unsightly than uncomfortable. I wash my hands a lot and we’ve got sanitizer coming out of our ears. Even the aquaphor that Tia left for me can’t compete with this level of hand washing. I weigh 138.2, which means I’ve lost 20 lbs. That can mean that the additional 22 I gained is mine to lose. oof! Luckily, I earned money from labor ($11 per hour!) and Jim’s work gave us a gift card which allows me to get the reeboks and wii fit :) Now, I just have to FIND the reeboks and the wii fit. lol

Breastfeeding (or bottle feeding breastmilk) is on a drop. I forgot to take the fenugreek yesterday and was only able to get 2oz total during the last pumping. A day after starting the fenugreek, i was able to get 4oz out of each side. That frustrated me last night, and then she was fussing because she was uncomfortable so we had to have an intervention and get mom up. If you ever find yourself telling a baby to stop crying, you should walk away. We’ll have to make That Molly a sign that says “Thanks for keeping my mom from shaking me! :)” In all seriousness, though, sometimes it’s REALLY frustrating. Especially at night. During the day, everything seems do-able. (Well, except yesterday when I had to wake That Molly up from her nap so that I could nap. Caffeine crash?)

And remember during pregnancy when i talked about pregnancy paranoia and how it’d probably turn into postpartum paranoia? it does. Practicing getting rid of it during pregnancy (changing my thoughts/stopping them, i mean) helped prepare for now. Like if I’m holding her, i can see me dropping her. But not just dropping her, her hitting her head on the corner of the table on the way down. Or spilling coffee on her. Or lola eating her face. All sorts of things. Very morbid things. And I don’t think these are abnormal. It’s like when you drive over a bridge and although you’d never actually drive off (or at least I wouldn’t) you still know that all you have to do is pull the wheel really quickly. That’s the problem with being a creative person in the first place. Imagination is not always a great thing. Heck, it’s why i’m afraid of outside at night and how i can still spook myself into thinking someone’s after me and I have to get into the door as fast as possible. Anywho, the paranoia is the same reason I don’t like handguns. There’s a risk. Move your wrist and you can shoot yourself in the face. There’s too much risk in parenting too. It’ll either get better or it won’t. Either way, it’s not too terrible of a deal yet.

And she made me cry again. This is the 4th time. It was about the reduced milk production. Mom says I have a picture in my head of how I wanted things to go. I’m rational enough to know that there’s not a thing in the world wrong with formula feeding a baby. However, I did want to be a breastfeeder. I know that NOT breastfeeding does not make me less of a mom. But it hurt my feelings regardless and I cried about it. Not bad if you look at the cry/time ratio. 4x in two weeks postpartum? I cried more times during Titanic.

3/30/10 "The Postpartum Chronicles: Day 12"

Well we had a full day! We got up, got everything together, and made it to a doctor's appointment ON TIME. There should be medals for that. The doctor says she's 6.15 pounds which is 7 ounces more than she was last week. He's very impressed with this and commended me :) wee! When she was naked though she peed and stopped and we got her on the scale where she released a good bit of the rest, then we got her off the scale and she proceeded to continue to pee (I've never actually seen her pee. I've seen her poop, but just not pee) on the blanket Tia got her. lol. oops! At least we remembered to take a blanket (actually 2) this time. What we DID forget to bring was another change of clothes. We failed to plan for the inevitable. lol. No worries, we didn't need them :)

So, then the answer to every question I had was, "She's gaining weight, so it's not a problem." Pooping only 2x per day? She's gaining weight, so it's not a problem. Gagging, and throw up? Not a problem if it's not consistent. For the other questions the answers were, "Since her belly button's gone, she can have a tub bath. I think soaking in the water will do her some good" (Q: fingernail/cuticle infection), and "That's a lot of work for a little bit of milk." (Q: Formula choice suggestions?)

He's the only pediatrician I've ever encountered who thinks it's more trouble than it's worth (for ME, specifically) to breastfeed. He's concerned with my sleep (although I DID wear concealer!) and although supports my decision to continue trying to get SOME milk into the mix by going half and half, thinks that me having to take something to do it is a lot of trouble. I don't think it's any trouble. I really want her to have the benefits of it. Even if she only gets half the benefits. I hope she gets the good half!

Then we went on our 1st! Major Outing! (It's technically the second major outing, but I really don't feel like putting "You went to the verizon store so mommy could get a droid" in her baby book. Sooo, "You went to see Daddy at his work today!" She pooped while we were there. I changed her on the conference room table. Apparently, not that I was looking because i was changing a diaper, the look on babe's face when i slapped that crappy diaper down on the conference table was that of sheer disgust and awe. LOL Apparently people eat there. Like everyday.

Meh, just clorox wipe it. ha!

Then, daddy took us to Friday's! We left home at 10:30am. We got home at 3:45pm. I thought I might die from exhaustion. I pumped again (2oz from each breast! Could it be the fenugreek?!) and had a nap. That Molly (my mom) is the BEST. I hope Morrison says that about me some day :D

3/29/10 "The Postpartum Chronicles: Day 10"

Day 11
Talk about scary. So at midnight, she starts getting fussy and I hold her because she looks so uncomfortable. She sounds all congested in her throat when she breathes through her mouth. I suck her nose out (successfully!) but her breathing still sounds labored. One thing I can’t do is clear her throat for her. I would if i could. I’d suck out ever orifice that little angel has if I could get that green bulb in there. I really would. Anyway, so she’s fussing and wiggling and seemed uncomfortable. She hadn’t pooped yet and would only take 1 oz at 9:15pm and again at 10:15pm. At 12:10, she did what can only be described as throwing up. Not spitting up. Spitting up is benign. I remember thinking right before it happened that it’d be really convenient for her if she could gag and throw up. Little did I know that she can. And so she started gagging and I leaned her over with her head over my stomach and out came what I assume is formula, but it was pretty well stuck together. Like a huge snot ball. It had the slimy consistency of snot. I’d never seen a baby gag before. I didn’t even think they could. I didn’t know they could throw up either. I thought it was just spitup until they’re 1. I’m not sure where I got these ideas. They’re wrong, you see. Anywho, she kept gagging, and I, in my extreme panic, started taking her clothes off immediately. She felt warm and I was definitely warm (i tend to assume if i’m cold, she’s cold, and vice versa). So there we were freaking out with her in her little t-shirt and jeans and she’s kind of crying - like purposeful? crying (not food crying) and I woke up Babe. (I’m gonna call him babe from here on out. That’s what I call him at home. I’ve been typing Jim so you’d know who i meant, but it feels weird talking about this “jim” character). So even though babe had to go to work this morning, I woke him up because I was scared. She is so tiny and when she’s close to naked she looks even more vulnerable than ever. Plus, I didn’t like that she seemed so un-babylike when she was throwing up. Maybe my panic removed me from the situation a little, but she seemed not real when she was doing that.

She had what we decided was labored breathing and I asked him if I should go wake up mom because she’d never heard it before. (By the way: The first night shift (from 11-4) is the absolute worst. If you get a shift choice, don’t chose that one. Then again, i suppose i’m spoiled in that I can even call them shifts...)

He told me not to wake mom up because she’ll be helping me at night until Mo gets the hang of sleeping better now that he’ll be officially back to work. So we watched her. And watched her. I smoked. And would have cried because it was THAT scary and I was still scared. Less scared than when I was alone, but still scared. I didn’t cry because the neighbor’s boyfriend happened to be on their porch. He talks a lot and wanted to strike up a conversation porch to porch in the middle of the night. Not the time, my friend.

So we gave her another bottle (at 12:20am) and she had almost 3 oz and stayed awake until 1:40am - give or take time for the feeding/burping. And then was back up at 2:45 where she had a little less than 2 oz. She was awake again until 4am. That’s when I woke up Jim because I couldn’t not sleep any longer. Apparently around 3-4am I hit a wall. Not a wall that has you nodding out during feedings. That comes before then. This is the, I can’t do it for our own safety - wall.

But while she was in her playpen, i turned on the vibrations and trying to get as much comfort in through her pacifier as I could. I was working on weening OUT the vibrations, but last night was a bad night to try it. She’s currently in her vibrating bouncer IN the playpen as we speak (I don’t trust Lola to not eat Mo’s face yet). We might just be sleeping in that bouncer until she’s 18.

In all honesty, I was praying a lot last night, and I was apologizing for complaining about not sleeping. I’ll take a messed up sleep schedule for a healthy baby. It’s a totally fair trade.

So I’m making a list of things to ask the doctor tomorrow:
Get the go ahead on fenugreek and peppermint sticks.
Her little fingernails - the sides that have that skin that comes up? Not cuticle skin, but that sticky out-y piece? a few of them look like the skin might have grown over or they might be infected. So I’m gonna ask him what I should do for that, what’s going on there.
Labored breathing - incline sleeping - formula choice - spitting up - fussiness - swallowing- bottle change

3/29/10 "The Postpartum Chronicles: Days 1-10"

Days 1-10 PP

**Quick note: I don't spell check these because I do them in a frenzy. I'm pretty sure my grammar and spelling and all of that are probably off. Blame it on the baby!**

I forgot to say Thank you to Stephanie, Mom, Holly, and Jim. Thanks for cheering me on, feeling bad for me, and helping in every way you possibly could. And thanks still to mom, who brings things to me from downstairs, babysits so I can nap, cooks, does laundry, cleans, and teaches me how to be a mom :) You’re a godsend. (I recommend you, reader, have someone who will do these things for you. It’s a stressful time. I don’t know how I’d do being a full-time mom straight from the start). And thank you still to Jim, who’s the best daddy I’ve ever seen :)

Me: Since being no longer pregnant, life has been no picnic. A few days after coming home, we’d set up the baby’s room with a mattress on the floor for me to sleep. (Turns out, she won’t sleep in her crib, but we didn’t know that at the time). Anywho, upon getting up from the mattress on the floor in a panic to calm a crying baby, I did what can only be described as feeling like I tore a stitch. If you’ll remember, I got a stitch from one hole to the other. It hurts really bad when you do whatever I did. It’s a different kind of pain than labor though. This is sharp, sucks your breath out and makes you stop in your tracks. Unless your tracks are working toward calming a crying baby, in which case you carry on. I had mom take a look at it and I took a look at it (with a mirror, of course) and it looked like ---0-- <--that. A line, a gap, a line. Not only was I concerned with the aesthetics of this (and still am), but I worry that it might become a fistula. I prefer to have as many holes as I did when this began. So after days of pain (i’m pretty stubborn) I called the doctor and they scheduled me the same day. I went in and he clipped the stitches, said there was a lot of swelling, but that it should continue to heal fine. He asked how I was with pooping and gas and I was honest. “Well, I can feel it coming, but there’s nothing I can do to stop it. So, I just have to act quickly.” And so I got a finger in the butt. Surprise! A pop quiz I couldn’t have studied for. “Squeeze my finger.” So I tried. Then he said again, “Squeeze my finger.” “I’m not doing it?” lol The books say you can’t do kegels until after the first week, so I’ve been practicing (when I remember) to stop my pee. I can halt it some, but i can’t stop it yet. It’s like starting from scratch. So now, I’m stitch free, but still healing. I have bacitracin (same thing we have to put on mo’s feet from her hospital bracelet scabs/cuts) for the tear, and prep-h for the continued hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid is not so bad now that I have things to compare it to... So, I still have pain at the tear, and I just decided not to look at it for a while. I’m supposed to be doing sits-baths, but I haven’t. Not sure why really. Laziness?

Since the catheter too, sometimes when I pee it’s like there are razor blades coming out. At least I think that’s because of the catheter. It wasn’t an issue at the time I saw the doctor, so I didn’t bring it up.

Now, I’ve got this awesome feeling of bruising pressure. It’s like someone hit my lady parts with a baseball bat. Sitting hurts. I assume this is normal. They’ve been through some serious trauma. I’m free to take ibprofen and I’ve got some numbing spray. Neither of which I remember to do consistently. lol

My hands are still too swollen for me to wear my wedding ring. My scalp has started a revolution against me. My hands, forearms, and right side of my nose have contracted what I’ve dubbed postpartum eczema. I’m not sure if that’s what it really is, but it looks like i’ve spent some time rubbing the backs of my hands on a brick wall. They’re dry, cracking, and bleeding. It’s pretty sexy.

At the hospital, pre-birth, I weighed 158 lbs. Post birth, I weighed 148 lbs. We know a little over 6 of that was the baby, I assume some was the placenta (which the doctor took out - i forgot to tell you that I never had to labor the placenta) and the rest had to have been sweat. My body started ridding itself of fluid like nobody’s business. My feet were sweating into my rainbow flip flops. And I never sweat. Now, 3/28/10 (ten days after birth), I weigh 139.8. The doctor said that after two weeks, my hormones should be where they were and my weight would be the starting point. Meaning that whatever I’ve got after 2 weeks postpartum, is what there will be until I do something about it. lol. I’m not really hungry like I was before, but I’m supposed to be consuming an extra 500 calories per day for the breastfeeding. So I force feed myself.

My milk production between the left and right breast continues to vary. I’m pumping about every 3 hours, massaging from outside to inside, trying to get rest, but still get inconsistent results. In a good session, I can get 4 oz of milk (my best was 2oz and 2oz). Sometimes, it’s 2.5 and 1.5. Sometimes 1 and 2. I’m committed to trying fenugreek as soon as i can find it. Word on the street is that it increases your milk production as a side effect. It’s originally used for decreasing glucose, i think. Of course the FDA doesn’t back any of this, so we shall see.

Morrison: She’s doing really well. She gained weight and we go back to the doctor on Tuesday. She’s still sleeping days and fussing nights, but we did get 2.5 hours of awake time today, which is a huge deal. I’ve turned the heat up in the house (again) in hopes that she is able to stay warm - She’s got some cold little hands! She makes all these funny faces while she’s sleeping. Mom says angels are talking to her and telling her jokes. I got an accidental gum-wide smile yesterday. That’s the best. And when she purses her lips and looks like she’s singing soprano in a choir. She’s a funny little bird. We’re still working on getting the pooping thing regular. At this point she’s supposed to be pooping at least 4x/day i think. We’re at 2 or 3 and I think the gassiness might be part of the night time fussiness. Every once and again we lube up a baby q-tip and “stimulate” her butt. She doesn’t mind it a bit and it’s not going IN-in there, just around and putting some pressure on the sides there to let air/poop/whatever-might-be

-in-there out.

Currently we’re using Enfamil Premium w/ Lipil to cut the breastmilk, but I picked up some “for fussiness and gas” for when we run out of the premium. That shit is expensive. I usually don’t cuss, but i needed it for emphasis here. It’s no joke. We got powder this time though. Jim’s been picking up the premade which makes making bottles easier, but runs out pretty quickly (unless you get the big can of premade. The tricky thing about that is since we’re going half and half, we’ll probably have to toss about 9oz tomorrow because it only holds for 48 hours).

Her umbilical cord is still attached. We put alcohol at it’s base 2x a day. She gets bacitracin on her ankles for her little cut/scrapes/scabs from the hospital bracelets. We put .3ml? of gas drops in her bottle because she’s a pretty resistant burper. She also gets a dropper (not sure the measurement) of vitamins each day. A new AMA recommendation. The pediatrician thinks it’s crap, but he’s old school. I prefer to go by the AMA guidelines, lol.

I’ve sucked out her nose probably 3 times (1x successfully) because sometimes she breathes weird. I mean, babies breathe weird quite often. Fast short breaths. Gurgly breaths. Congested sounding breaths. None of which are consistent or last for very long. That’s how I figure it’s not something. It’s still scary though. We’ve got her sleeping on an incline just in case.

3/26/10 "The Pregnancy Chronicles: LAST ONE!"

Next up: Postpartum Happenings :)

(I forgot to say that we asked about the stitches. I’d never had any before and kinda wanted a number so that if anyone ever asked i could say, “I got 87 stitches in my hoohah,” BUT he said the tear was 2nd degree (there are 3 degrees) and that it was tricky to say because it was one long stitch. He pinched his fingers to about two inches apart though. That’s how long the tear was.)

A couple hours after labor, we moved from the L&D room to the postpartum room. Morrison aka “Cole, Girl” went to the nursery. Later they brought her in the room with these bracelets. She had bracelets on both her ankles with a number. Jim and I got matching bracelets with the same number. Every time we picked her up from the nursery or they brought her to us, they’d check our codes to make sure we matched. If that wasn’t enough security, Morrison had an alarm (like the one’s they put on Seven Jeans at Belk) attached to her remaining umbilical cord. During our stay we actually saw the alarm go off at the nurses station. Turns out that a doctor had an alarm in his pocket and happened to walk off the hall. The nurses were on it quick like a bunny. It made us feel really secure.

Although I was walking around, it was more waddly than ever. Everything swells and your pad is one of those super thick overnights and every time you walk its like your insides pound down onto everything that’s sore. But walking still happens. And I was grateful. I don’t like the loss of control.

During my stay I met with a bunch of lactation consultants. Breastfeeding was my choice method of nutrition and we did an okay job on the right side, but the nipple’s a little bit different on the left so we had to do what’s called “Holding your boob like it’s a cheeseburger” which means you just have to squish it a little. They made me feed her while they watched a lot. After feeding I was supposed to express a little milk and rub my nipples with it (watch out porno!) because that’s “all the nipple care you need.” I can tell you now that that is untrue. So at the nursery where the babies are kept, they wrap the babies up really tightly in a blanket. We call it the burrito. Technically it’s swaddling. Jim’s a great burrito-er. Not me though. No worries. It makes me nervous that they don’t get their arms anyway and Mo, who’s strong enough to roll already, needs her little hands out to make me feel better. At night in our room, I was thinking that Mo would stay in the nursery and I would get some rest. Like having top notch babysitters who stay awake all night. No such luck. I woke up at 1am when they brought her in for me to feed her. Then again an hour or so later, and then again. Jim slept like a baby. (for the record, when they say “like a baby” i think they really mean “like a baby who sleeps through the night” because otherwise mine’s broken. lol

They were very concerned that I pee. I had heard before that they want you to fart before you go, but apparently that’s c-section. Peeing felt like the water breaking. I had a bottle to squirt water on myself to clean/dilute pee/initiate pee. Once i did it, I had to go tell the nurse. I was excited, sure, but she also asked that I tell her when I did it. Then I made the call to go poop on my own. I figure - with something that seems so scary and IS scary to think about doing - it’s safest to have an emergency at the hospital. So i pooped twice while we were there. I told you I was a good pooper. Jim and I high-fived it, i think. lol

Not really a lot happened as far as much more progress while we were there. Every time I got a new nurse she’d take my temp and bp, check my “bottom” (that’s what they called it) and bleeding (which was still bruised (it’s still bruised today - ouch!) and the bleeding is fine) and feel my fundus (where the top of my uterus was). By the second day, the top of my uterus was out of my boobs and and under my belly button. THAT’s how fast it goes down. When we changed (we = me and one of my nurses) the first pad she said “See? Like a heavy period,” to which I replied, “Who’s heavy period is that?!” But it gets less and less each time. We declined the “New Parent brunch” because we were aching to get OUT of the hospital. On the first on our second night i think, an emergency call came to the nurse’s station while Jim was at the nursery to get Mo. It was a woman who was at 24 weeks and was being brought via ambulance from her ob’s office. Later we saw that one of the delivery room doors was shut and there was a rose taped to it. That’s the signal for “the baby didn’t survive.” Jim was instantly wrecked by this and experienced what professional’s call “survivor guilt.” He, and rightly so, felt sad because we had so much wonderfulness going on. We didn’t have a c-section so I was mobile. The lady in the postpartum room next to us was in a wheel chair with tubes everywhere and had to keep buzzing the nurses to help her move. We were lucky. Our baby only had a bruised head and that’s it. Other babies had wires and patches and monitors and heat lamps. We were lucky. It’s hard to confront the amount of sadness that concurrently exists while we were so happy. So we felt guilty and it was really tugging on Jim’s spirit. We wanted to go home where it wasn’t so sad. So we opted not to go to the lunch. The hospital seemed offended by this and actually accused of trying to leave before meeting with the lactation consultant one last time. Really, we were wheeling that angel back to the nursery so we could go smoke (and I could score more chocolate pudding!) I still got asked when I was due a few times while walking around lol. Then when we thought we were done, they made us wait longer because I had to be seen by my ob to be discharged. FINALLY we finished and carted all the stuff to the car and passed the carseat challenge where they check to see how much you screwed up when trying to harness your little one for safety. We did a pretty good job. And THEN we went home!

When we got home, we saw that Gramma steve had decorated for Morrison’s arrival. It was killer cute with balloons and a banner and carriages and bibs and the whole lot.

Since we’ve been home I’ve cried three times. lol.
1: 1st night home - Putting morrison in her crib in her room which is not the same room as the living room where i was. We’ve got Cab’s video monitor so we can SEE her, but it wasn’t the same. I know that my presence is not what keeps her alive. I also know, it couldn’t hurt. Either way I was scared. And i cried. And told babe and he let me keep her in the play pen in the living room. He’s really good about me being sad.

2: 2nd night home - Jim let me sleep in.

3: 3rd night home - Breastfeeding. I was getting SO frustrated trying to feed her because she’d suck for less than a minute and and then go to sleep. She stopped going for 10-15 minutes per breast at one sitting. I didn’t like being frustrated because I didn’t feel like I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to do, but that SHE wasn’t doing what SHE was supposed to do. You should always try NOT to be mad at the baby. So we decided that I’d just pump instead. And that’s what I was doing. But then, she started wanting more milk than I was able to make. So now we’re supplementing with formula. We’re doing half formula, half breastmilk. She’s taking it pretty well and i’m almost caught up to make two bottles of half and half from one pumping session. Oh, btw: breastfeeding feels just like having your nipple sucked on. lol. It doesn’t feel sexual though. It sometimes (depending on the latch) hurts and sometimes not. You do get a sense of euphoria with it after a while though. You kind of feel loopy and sleepy. I suppressed the giggles more than once. lol Pumping, however, is not as pleasant. It’s harder to get milk out with the pump alone. Sometimes, if I can get her to feed even for a few seconds on just one breast, both will start leaking and make it easier to pump. Sympathy milk. That was another part of the frustration with feed her. While i was sitting there, boobs out, trying to get her to suck “vigorously” (they call it) for more than just a second, everything would start leaking all over everything. On her face, in her eye, on my clothes, on our chairs, everywhere. It’s difficult not to get frustrated when that happens. At least for me. Plus, in the middle of the night, everything is harder. It’s quiet. It’s dark. It’s lonely. Night is very scary and I had started (in only that short time being home) getting very anxious about the sun going down. Very anxious.

I’m a good pooper, but i’m a terrible sleeper. I had RLS before pregnancy. It increased during pregnancy, and it still exists. Sometimes, I can feel it coming on before i’m even laying down. Before I’ve even gone to bed. I’m still watching tv and then there it is. Also, it always takes me like 30 minutes or so to go to sleep. So you figure: You’ve got a baby who wakes up every 2 hours to eat. If she gets up at 2am, you take some time to figure out what she’s woken up for (diaper, food, comfort, cold - it’s cold in our house because we have bad windows - belly ache, whatever). Usually, I start with food. So factor in the feeding. You have to heat up the bottle, NEVER in the microwave, and get it all set up. Then you start feeding, maybe at 2:15. Between the bottle and burping you figure you can be done around 2:45 or 3am. Then you lay her down and she sleeps and you wash the bottles (for a while we only had one good slow flow nipple) and set up the next bottle. Then you lay down and it takes 30 minutes or more to go to sleep. By the time you can consider sleep she’s up again because it’s been two hours. The time of sleep you get is based on when the feeding STARTS, not when it ends. You can see how this might get old for me really fast. And you can see why I cried out of happiness and amazement when I woke up on my very own. Since we’ve switched to me pumping pretty exclusively (which they tell you not to do: They tell you to wait until after 2 weeks to 1 month, but sanity is very important to me. So is not shaking a baby.) i’m a lot less stressed. Since we’ve started supplementing with formula she can sometimes go 3-4 hours between feedings. Sometimes it’s still at 2 hours, but last night she let me sleep from 1-4am. Those are critical hours. I get about 3 hours total at night and about 2-4 during a nap in the day (when it’s not my shift!)

From here on out, these posts will be more like the regular TMI’s, maybe week by week?

Oh, and hear this: If you’re concerned about the smoking. The benefits of breastfeeding far outweigh the risks of my smoking. And we don’t smoke in the house, so the SIDS risk is reduced. I’m a SIDS freak - I’ve been to conferences, which is why I worry about her being cold. She’s only allowed blankets during the day while someone’s on watch. NEVER at night. We’ve got her wearing t-shirts and socks under microfleece onesies while we wait for our halo sleepsack to arrive in the mail :) And the socks don’t stay on. lol

3/26/10 - "Labor & Delivery: Part 5"

Part 5: Delivery
(I forgot to say that although the epidural numbs your lower half, you can still move it. At least that’s Martha Jefferson’s policy. I’m sure it’s possible to have one like my mom describes having where she had to ask my aunt martha to pick her leg up and put it back on the table after it fell off. But! Martha Jefferson wants you to be able to move your legs AND lift your butt up. Ha, I’ll get to the butt lifting. ALSO: for the first time pregnancies that may be following this blog: You may be discouraged at this point because it’s been terrible and is about to get worse, BUT Let me just ad this ironic tid bit. I would and am planning to do this all again - even knowing what I know. I have, by no means, forgotten any of the terror and torture and horribleness, but I promise, it’s just one of many experiences life brings... this one just happens to bring life. Definitely worth it. Please have your baby. It will be alright. (Just get the epidural as soon as possible)).

Ah, delivery! By the time I was fully numb, I got to 10 cm and the doctor said that I was ready to go! All we were waiting on was “the urge to push.” So an hour goes by and I’ve got nothing. Cynthia - My angel of a nurse who although told me things that I thought were dumb (like breathe through the pain - ha!) was the sweetest woman to me. I’ll get to why I love her now.

At that point my doctor was Dr. Wills. But during his rotation at the hospital, he had to do an emergency c-section on someone, so my doctor changed again! This time to Dr. Levit (the one I hadn’t been too fond of during my prenatal days). Rats!

Cynthia, my angel, decided that we could just “try” pushing during the contractions, even though I never got the urge to push. I’ll tell you now, as much as I then learned that we’d just push through the rest of the contractions, I actually never felt the urge to do it. Not that I didn’t WANT to. I was soo done with pregnancy. lol

She asked me if I had done any birthing classes. I gave her the same answer that I’ve given everyone who’s asked. “Nope. I’ve seen it on tv. I can do it.” LOL Talk about some sideways looks. Really though, I don’t think that people telling me how to breathe would really have prepared me anyway. It’s honestly a test that you can’t study for.

Here’s how pushing works: You have two friends hold your legs up - don’t worry, your joints are totally lubricated by this point from pregnancy anyway and you’ll be surprised how close your knees will go to the back of the bed. Then you, depending on how bad you want it, hold your knees or put your hands on the soft parts of your feet and use that as leverage. (I suggest holding your feet - it feels more productive). Then for me, we did 4 pushes at 8 counts each. So the contraction would come - didn’t hurt (sometimes she’d tell me when to start, sometimes I’d feel my belly with my hand and it’d feel like it was getting tighter and we’d push). I say WE because mom was holding her breath and pushing too. At one point during labor, Stephanie told mom she should stop before she bursts something and I started laughing and it totally ruined that push. “Don’t be funny, Steph.” lol Back to business: So pretty much you take a deep breath, pull your feet to your body (like on tv) and put your chin into your chest. You push for 8 seconds 4 times. It goes like this: Big breath in, pull your feet toward you and people count while you push hard 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 exhale quickly, inhale straight away, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, exhale quickly, inhale straight away, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 , exhale quickly, inhale straight away, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. A lot of the time, I was pushing from my face. That means, My face got red, I was holding my breath and i think that’s how people pop blood vessels in their eyes. Cynthia pushed her hand against my perineum (the space between your lady part and your butt part - very PC, lol) and said “Push from here.” So that’s what i started doing. And you can probably figure what happened. I hadn’t actually gone to the bathroom since the catheter and that was just pee. So, as scared as I was in the beginning that I’d poop on the table? Well, I pooped on the table. LOL

BUT hear this, pregnant women: It was perfectly fine. As soon as the poop would start she would flip up the pee pad (exactly the same as a puppy pad that you’ll be really used to sitting on after you check into the hospital because there’s all kinds of stuff that can come out) and as soon as the push was over, she’d clean everything up. She was fast. I couldn’t feel that I was doing it, but I knew she was cleaning me up. The hospital staff are used to this. To be an effective pusher, you have to push. She was so professional about the whole thing - as were my family who when I brought it up later, denied that it had even happened so I wouldn’t be embarrassed. I wasn’t embarrassed in the least. At that point, you’ve had so many people taking a gander at your hoohaa (technical term) and you’re so focused on being a good pusher that it’s really no big deal. Cynthia didn’t seemed phased or put off in the least which made me feel perfectly normal and not embarrassed. Plus she cleaned me up so fast and so often that it’s not like i built up enough to make the room smell. She was effective. One of the reasons I love her.

Anywho, the counts don’t go by fast. They’re slow counts. So you’re pushing for a full 8 seconds. Another thing that no one tells you (and you can’t really gauge from tv, lol) is that there are breaks between pushes. I did not know this. After your 32 seconds of sheer pushing you can stop and breathe and wait until the next contraction comes. (This is where Jim really worked the clutch. He was on the ready with a cold wet rag for my head and an ice water with a straw for my breaks. Yay, Jim!)

What you can practice now - which will sound silly, but what really worked for me is this: Wait, let’s get a little more personal. I’m a good pooper regularly. Forget about the on the table business and focus! I’m an in and out pooper. I go in, I don’t doddle. I poop in less than a minute and I’m out of there wicked fast. It’s one of my attributes! What you can practice now (via your own pooping - and even if you aren’t pregnant, you can gauge if you can do this so you know if you’d be an effective pusher) when you go to poop, push like normal and then continue to breathe while not losing the push. I mean, poop and take a breathe without letting go of that push you just had (i.e. don’t let the poop go back in). What will happen here is this: If you can do this, it will come in really handy when you’re trying to get the baby past your pelvic bone. What happens is that when you’re pushing that baby out, you’ll push and when you’re not pushing, she’ll (or he’ll) scoot back in. It actually works that way post pelvic bone too. Just practice it. Couldn’t hurt, right?

Here’s where the pain starts. Pain, you say? But you had an epidural! I KNOW. Another thing that would have been helpful to know is that there are things the epidural does not cover. Well, maybe it wouldn’t have been helpful to know in advance. Sorry to ruin it for you. Even with the epidural I had pain while she moved down to my pelvic bone. This is the part when your bones shift to allow the head to go through. It feels as good as it sounds. I was so frustrated that the pain came back, but you can kind of work through it with the pushing. Not that the pain is less, but it’s kind of like you’re too busy to focus on the suck so much. Noun, not verb. (Not long before labor, Jim, Mom and I watched Jarhead and during my hospital stay, mom and I kept saying, “Welcome to the suck.” lol)
Anywho, the pain IS dulled a little and I don’t remember it being a dollar. More like 75 cents. Once you’ve had a dollar though, and then had 0 cents, and then go to 75 cents, it’s not too terrible. It’s terrible, but just not TOO terrible. Not like dying.

So, we get her head past and I’m feeling really good about myself. And we’re pushing some more (and holding the push between breaths) and you can see Mo’s head kind of coming. It’s like, your lady parts become a beanie. lol. And from your real lady parts, other people can see her head - WHEN you’re pushing. The baby scoots back in when you aren’t pushing (because she’s a mean mean girl). This is where Holly would make a circle with her finger and her thumb to let Jim know how much of her head you can see. Cynthia was really positive at this point. Another reason why I love her is that she kept calling me ashley and being really positive. You can do it, ashley. Come on, ashley. She was like a calm cheerleader. A calm cheerleader who was off of work at 3. We started pushing at 2pm. I was trying to get Mo out quickly, but mostly trying to do it before Cynthia’s shift ended. And I told Cynthia that a lot. Which I think is why she stayed past her shift (reason 3 for my love for her).

When you get past the pelvic bone at Martha Jefferson, a really cool thing happens. Your bed is actually a transformer and they’re able to rip off the bottom half of the bed, swing those stirrups up, and really get down to business. (Don’t worry, by this time, you’re totally out of poop and it’s not even an issue. Not that it ever was before, but just in case you’re worried.) There’s this cart that Dr. Levit got too that had all these metal tools on it. When they got this cart out, I really felt like something was going to go down. In a good way. Here we go!

So I’m pushing and pushing for a little over an hour and then her head comes out! and Dr. Levit sucks out her mouth and nose and in the next push he PULLED HER OUT. He pulled her out of me. Once her shoulders were out (which ended up being less than an inch bigger in circumference than her head, thank you, Jesus!) I could feel a lot less pressure, and then he pulled the rest of her out and put her on my chest. I’M NOT PREGNANT ANYMORE! It’s over! It’s done! I did it! Hooray! And there she is, this little mess that had reeked havoc on my life for the last few months. And she looked asian. LOL. I was more than excited to have her, but I didn’t get all sentimental. I was just glad it was over. Done. Finished. And I thanked Dr. Levit again and again for pulling her out. He told me that I pushed her out, but I watched him and I don’t need the credit. I was never working toward a medal of honor. He totally pulled her out, regardless of what he says. So I like him now. A lot for that. She came out at 3:01pm and the relief nurse worked with Cynthia (who stayed 15 minutes past her shift to see me through) toweled and off the baby and set stuff up for later to the side. Dr. Levit said I tore and began stitching me up. I’d originally said I wanted an episiotomy, but I had all 4 doctors during my labor so it may have gotten lost. Doesn’t matter too bad I guess. You can’t feel them stitching, btw. AND Dr. Levit waited until the umbilical cord stopped pulsating before he let mom cut it. Jim passes out so we pre-decided he wouldn’t cut it. (Although, he’s now army strong and thinks he can do the next one!) And Tah Dah! I made a baby! A 6 pound 14 ounce baby :) All she had was a bruise on her head. I had bruising all around my bottom, stitches, and that damned hemorrhoid from the previous week(s). The new nurse cleaned me up, which i thought was nice, and not long after baby she had me walk to the bathroom. They’d set me up with pads for the bleeding and I put on my own underwear! Well, Holly’s underwear. I forgot to bring the pregnancy sized underwear in my go-bag. Jim forgot everything in his. lol

(Oh! and Dr. Levit said our family was awesome. He said that usually people lump up in the delivery room eating McDonalds and watching the lady do all the work. ALL of my people were working. Not as hard as me, but still. lol we rock!)

****UPDATE (3/27/10)***** So I forgot to tell you (because I forgot to put it on my outline) that at some point during contractions, post epidural but before any pain was gone (i think), i started throwing up. So add that to your mental picture of the miracle of birth. Luckily, the body adapts and lets you figure out really quickly how to throw up in a bedpan to the side while not ever actually getting up from the writing pain in your back :) (Don't worry, though. They give you something for the puking and it works really well. And the epidural works later, remember?)